Self-Aware

So I added a yoga widget to the bottom of the page, as I was reading something in the yoga journal today that talked about how yoga has proven to be useful in addiction recovery.  Binge-eating is an addictive behavior, and it has many parallels to the descriptions of physical urges and anxiety experienced by drug addicts prior to relapse, so I thought it might be helpful for anyone with an ED.  I personally think that yoga is useful in dissipating nervous energy that so often characterizes those of us with EDs, and I would like to make it more part of my routine in stead of doing it sometimes.

I haven't written here in a while because I have another blog that I write on, it's a venue for people struggling with EDs, so I find it helpful because it makes me feel less alone.  I still like this blog a lot though, because I feel like it's totally private and also I designed it to my liking (very into ivory).  I relapsed this past week and got very very depressed, then decided to get up and stop fucking myself over.  I realized that something had to change, so decided to wait until next summer to apply to grad school rather than doing it right now and cramming everything into right now right now rightnow.  I felt instantly better after making that decision-- I think it's the first time I've made a decision based solely on my health and just for myself.  I feel like I stepped off of the hamster wheel, and it has been very freeing.

I am more committed than ever to watch what I eat and make sure that it's only what my nutritionist has outlined for me, but my reasons have changed.  I want to watch what I'm eating solely to save my sanity, it has nothing to do with weight anymore because I've realized that that is futile and only frustrates me.  Where I am right now, I feel I'll never like my body, but so what.  After falling into such a severe depression this past week, I can see that this is a matter of me either being functional or not, it has nothing to do with weight.  So now I feel even better equipped to deal with urges to binge, because it really is a matter of health or not for me, I can't function worth a damn if I eat anything at all that wasn't specified by my nutritionist.

My main focus of the moment, other than to stay on track with food (which is technically always a focus for anyone with an ED), is to make decisions for myself.  Instead of just ebbing and flowing with life and doing everything according to some non-existent blueprint that only exists in the prison of my conditioned mind, I want to find out what it is that I actually want and what makes me feel happy and alive and I want to do that.  No exceptions.  Deciding to take a year between college and grad school was the first decision of this nature that I've ever made, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.  Based on that, I want to continue my life in this fashion.

I Hate This

I'm feeling so crappy today for no apparent reason.  Well, my brother left early this morning to go to a friend's wedding in LA, so maybe that has something to do with it.  But he's getting back really soon, early next week.  So I don't know why my outlook is so bleak, probably his leaving is a contributing factor, just because it does kind of stir the water in terms of time moving forward.  And that always unsettles me even if I don't recognize it fully.

So what to do.  I don't want to rough it through the rest of the day feeling like shit.  It's so pointless, and I've experienced it so many times.  I think maybe I need to go do something, but I don't know what to do.  I was thinking of shopping, but that sometimes leaves me feeling very empty, because when it's done to fill a void inside it often backfires and just leaves me feeling worse.  I also had the thought to go to Barnes & Noble and get a new book from the ED section, one that is uplifting as opposed to depressing.  But they're hard to find and I don't know if they even have anything new there.  It couldn't hurt to just go take a look, and then if I do find something it would just be all the better.  Ugh, I barely have motivation to get up and leave the house, I really feel so gloomy.  It's annoying because I can see that I'm just going to sit here...

Okay my brother actually just called to say that his plane landed.  That lifted my a little bit out of my pity party that has been evolving throughout today.  Maybe I should just go shopping- I could get something to wear tomorrow.  Even though I can never really get anything anymore except for sweatpants and t-shirts.  How sad, this is truly pathetic.  I'm getting so irritated with myself...maybe I should just go to the movies, just so that I can stop thinking for even an hour or two.  Wouldn't that be nice.

Frustration

You know what is worse than relapsing into ED habits?  Not relapsing, yet being more and more unhappy with each coming day.  Why is this happening?  Today is now the 3-week marker of following my nutritionist's plan, except for one day during which I did not eat.  I should be happier.  But I'm not, and I am feeling worse and worse about my body.

I hate that I can't pick myself up out of all this negativity, and I don't want to start having a defeatist attitude.  But it is hard, especially when you are doing what you're supposed to be doing, and not getting results.  I feel that I am pulling my share in doing my part in recovery, yet I am not seeing the changes in my thought patterns that I thought would be the fruits of my labor in fighting against my eating disorders.  Is it too soon?  Probably.  But that doesn't change the fact that I am uncomfortable right now and feel that my hands are tied.

So it appears I am at yet another precipice-- if I turn back to anorexia or bingeing to soothe my building anxiety and frustrations, I will be throwing away everything I've been working toward.  I will achieve a false sense of being in control.  But, if I stay on course and muster strength from within, I will be going on good faith that my nutritionist is not lying to me.  I will be uncomfortable, and maybe feel worse than I do now in the next few weeks, but I will have the one hope that this is part of the recovery process, and that I have to stick through this storm to eventually triumph over my EDs.  The only reason that me and my disordered self actually believes that staying on plan will eventually work to my advantage is that I can't help but to think that if recovery wasn't extremely challenging, more people would have an easier time recovering.

I don't want to be a statistic, I have to stop being easily thrown off-balance by pro-ana musings that are sprinkled everywhere in daily life, both from within myself and from the external world.  I'm going to try what I haven't tried before and stay loyal to the plan that has been made for me by certified eating disorder specialists.  After all, I don't develop new ways to drive my car every morning, nor do I develop new symbols for the alphabet to represent my own version of the English language.  I have to have enough trust, even though I don't believe it right now, in the fact that I am not an exception to other people-- I don't get fat by looking at food or having a bite of something.  I can eat like a normal person even though I don't think I can.  I have to believe that people certified to deal with ED recovery have made a better plan for me than I can for myself.  I have to stop believing that I know what is best for me when it comes to food, because I don't.

The Danger Zone

Saturday night and of course I have no plans, but that's standard for me every week.  Yesterday was good and so was today, I think.  It's weird, but I'm always kind of second guessing whenever I feel like it has been a good day because of the constant negativity uncontrollably swirling in my head.  I would say that, relative to the norm, for me today was great.

There was a tremendous thunder storm earlier today, which subsided and then the sun was out, and just now there was another storm so that it's a cool, misty night outside.  This is the danger zone.  Whenever I am dealt circumstances like these, they are beyond my control, but I can take precautions as long as I am able to recognize potential triggers.  Let me set this up: It's a Saturday and soon it will get into the later hours of the night.  It's chilly and damp outside.  These are what I refer to as "conducive to a mega-binge" conditions.  I have to really stay aware of myself tonight or I will be off in candyland for real.

Earlier I found my mind wandering to thoughts of cheese doodles.  Then cake.  Pizza.  Cheeze-itz.  Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, Chips Ahoy chewy chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.  Sandwiches.  More cake, brownies, salty potato chips, and then round it off with some Pepperidge Farm chocolate cookies and ice cream.  The progress that I've made really shined through tonight, because I totally caught myself when I started to think about the first cake.  Normally, and by normally I mean the reality that has happened over and over and over in the past, I would think through the above list in its entirety (always a menu similar to that) and then be halfway to the nearest A&P or local grocery store before realizing that I was about to binge.  And at that point, you can't stop a binge.  You're already in way waay too deep, and you just think fuck it all, I'm doing this and I'll fix it tomorrow or the next day or the day after by not eating.  You think to yourself that you don't give a shit, you're fat anyway so why not and you're already there and so on and so forth.  What's really going on is that your emotions have risen to a point beyond your control and now you have no outlet and no choice and you just let it all go-- go waste money go eat and keep eating, you're a fat pig so just eat.

I'm proud of myself.  I am completely aware of what years of an ED has done in terms of conditioning me to binge-- but knowing that I'm predisposed to binge on a night like tonight, just weather-wise, I already have won half the battle.  Now I can protect myself against ED brainwashing that may occur later.  What I did upon recognizing the situation was plan out the rest of the night.  I'm going to crochet a blanket that I'm working on for a close friend of mine, I'm going to stay in the same room where my brother is, and I will very likely be writing more tonight.  I'm glad I'm at a point where I'm not content to just throw my hands up in despair and yield to this fucking ED.  Fuck you, binge-eating, and fuck you too, anorexia.  I'm not a vessel for this shit anymore, at least not without a fight.

The Question of the Hour

Here it is: the clean slate of a new month.  It is officially August, and THE question is...can I get through the month without bingeing?  The answer is yes.  So maybe what the question really should be is will I get through the month without bingeing?  I will answer that at the end of the month, because there's no real point in putting an emphasis on whether or not I will stray from my meal plan on one or several given day/s this month.

Now normally I would place emphasis on counting days-- how long since I have binged, how many days of not eating, etc.  But what I am currently trying to do for myself that is very different from anything I'm accustomed to is to view food solely as nourishment required by my body.  It's just glucose for aerobic respiration.  Nothing more, but also very importantly, nothing less.  Food is essential, meaning no more cop out days where I get frazzled and don't eat.  However, I want to break the very bad habit of harshly battering myself emotionally whenever I do have a slip-up day.  Slip-ups are part of recovery from an eating disorder-- my nutritionist actually gave me a graph plotting what is known as 'the recovery model,' showing just this.  If I do encounter a slip up this month, I will have to work hard to mold my normal harsh response into something more suitable for a human being; I absolutely have to stop treating myself like shit.

I'm proud that I got through most of July binge-free.  It makes my ruined birthday seem like not a total and utter waste but rather a jump-off point into better days.  But that would be me compartmentalizing time by eating habits again (slap on the wrist ;).  Anyway, I'm happy and relatively excited for the new month vibe, which comes with the first of any month regardless of whether or not you are me trying to break a bad habit of day-counting.  Each new month brings a positive energy, a unique seasonal flair (on weather and fashion fronts), and anticipation of special events during that month.  Unfortunately, since I'm obviously feeling quite crappy still (too bad a new month can't magically sweep that garbage out of my life), I'm not as excited as I definitely should or could be.

But I do have hope.  The feeing that I will be able to manage my eating disorders is one that I didn't have at all just a short time ago.  It was like living in limbo, or an abyss that is especially dark.  Now, I do think that my spirits have been lifted and strengthened, likely a result of proving to myself that I can eat everyday without bingeing.  I've never gone this long without either restricting intake or bingeing.  Anytime I went this long without bingeing I wasn't eating much of anything, or I wasn't eating anything at all.  So this is a landmark for me.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never gone more that 1.5 days without restricting/bingeing, at least not since I was 14yrs old.  So this is actually a monumental achievement for me.  I'm thankful to be making progress. 

Regardless of what happens this month, it is starting on a (relatively speaking) high note, and I plan to end it on one as well.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

- William Shakespeare

Devil's Food Cake

Today is one of those days.  About an hour ago, out of the blue, I felt a slight urge to go eat something.  I started to reason whether or not it would be safe for me to eat part of what I'm scheduled to eat for lunch right now...because what could be so bad about that, right?  WRONG.  I quickly recognized that this is a code red situation, I can't be so stupid as to think that I'll be fine if I eat anything.  Even just a little bit.  Even if I were to eat a leaf of lettuce right now, it would send me into a binge.  So I've been sitting in my room watching old episodes of That 70's Show (great show, but still a waste of the day).  I want to be able to use this site as a way to curb myself from doing stupid things with food, so I figured I'd come write in somewhat of a stream of consciousness and see if any information as to why I'm having a proceed-with-caution-you-might-binge-any-minute-now kind of day reveals itself.

Last night I made a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting for a colleague of my mother; for her birthday.  I like to bake things, but obviously I don't eat them (not by choice) and no one in my family really gets into it (contributes to my feeling like a superfat freak when I have bouts of bingeing).  So I jumped at the opportunity to make the cake, and it was fun.  Being around the batter and getting some of it and the frosting on my hands (inevitable while baking/pouring) made my nervous.  Not because I thought I was going to eat it, but I just didn't really want it on me or near me-- I felt like it was invading my space.  Maybe being up close and personal with sugary/oily stuff like that makes me uncomfortable because I never go near it by choice, I only get in with stuff like that when I'm on an uncontrollable binge, when I get in really deep with stuff like that.  Maybe that's part of the problem-- obviously the hundreds or thousands of torturous binges I've experienced have left me with many negative associations when it comes to food that I consider to be 'fat girl food.'  I wonder if the fact that I recognize this could help me to get over it instead of having to feel extra wary around those kinds of foods.

So today I'm feeling uncomfortable about the idea of food in general, which is interesting considering the cake-bake event of last night.  It appears that my fears about food have escalated to a point where I feel ready to throw the towel in (on the verge of a binge when it seems nothing has happened to provoke it) yet I have not deviated from my meal plan.  I've done nothing, just baked a cake.  That doesn't mean I ate it, and for some reason I feel nervous as though I'd done just that.  Very strange.

Of course, I'm feeling extra fat today, but that's nothing new.  My body image is always either bad, worse, or unbearable.  Not that I'm content to live like this, but I do think it's helpful for me to recognize that the way I see myself will not change overnight, and it certainly won't even have a chance of changing if I don't give myself the chance to eat in a more normal pattern (ie not skipping meals or days, not bingeing).

I'm already feeling less nervous about bingeing, after having written this.  I've remarkably lost that urgent feeling that is the very well known and dreaded prelude to a binge.  It's the feeling of urgency that those of us who intimately know binge-eating disorders are all too familiar with.  It always is accompanied by an immediate feeling of defeat for me-- as soon as I feel the urgency, even in the smallest way, I kind of throw my hands up and just prepare to feel lower than shit.  It kills me inside because I know that something is about to happen: I'm going to binge.  I'm going to destroy my own body that I've been working so hard to get into shape.  I'm going to destroy my self-esteem, whatever is left of it.  I'm going to destroy my day and my plans for the future.  I'm going to destroy my tomorrow.  And personally, as soon as I know a binge is coming, I think that I also kind of gear up for a marathon of binges, because I know that once I start it begins a cycle.  Same damn thing every time.

Well, not today.  Bingeing clearly is a coping mechanism that I have developed as a direct result of being self-critical: it is an embodiment of self-criticism.  There is obviously an intricate foundation as to why my self-hate manifests itself in this way, but it is the cruelest way to inflict pain on oneself; bingeing is the alpha 'I hate myself.'  Not today.  I need to stop creating situations where I can batter myself and then wallow in sorrow.  I do not need to sit here and eat trays, boxes, and bags of food.  Not today, the devil's food does not tempt me.

Doughgirl

First and foremost, THANK YOU for the lovely and very supportive comments!!  It means everything to me to be able to relate with others who have struggled or are struggling in the ways that I have and am currently.  So much love and warmest wishes to my beautiful readers!

As much as it has lifted my spirits to see an audience of people who can relate to this site (no bullshit, it really does brighten the tone of the day), I must admit that I have not been feeling very well at all for the past few days.  I'm not quite sure why, but it probably has to do with the fact that I'm eating everyday without bingeing or starving.  This past Tuesday my nutritionist again told me that I have lost weight, which is what should be happening on the meal plan I'm following.  An overview of the issues I'm having with the food/weight battle is as follows:

• I don't know what my weight is and I can't handle knowing.  So basically I have no way of relieving the intense anxiety I feel over how much I weigh and how much weight I need to lose etc., which is aggravating to no end.
• I don't know how much weight  I am losing each week because again, I can't be trusted to handle that kind of information, so my nutritionist doesn't tell me.  This leads my mind to wandering, and of course I end up concluding that just because she tells me I'm losing weight, that could mean that maybe I only lost like 0.2 lbs.  Which sounds like some bullshit to me.  I really hate not knowing.
• In my eyes, my body is getting more disgusting and certainly fatter.  I don't even know how it's possible that my vision can contradict numerically factual evidence.  But if anyone could achieve such a ridiculous feat, it most surely would be me.
• Everyday I am noticing more and more that I spend a good portion of time devoted to hatching plans of not eating.  I need to put the brakes on that before it gets out of control.
• I find it problematic that I'm not proud of the fact that I have stayed away from binges for 16 days now.

I spoke with my therapist today about this last point, and she explained a lot to me about how being a trauma victim (extensive verbal and emotional abuse as a child) has contributed to my behaviors.  Anytime anything happens, good or bad or whatever it is, I always criticize myself and never see positive in what I do.  It's my way of beating everyone else to the punch line, so to speak.  And I'm very good at it.  Unfortunately.

I don't know...all this nonsense seems like more than I bargained for.  I never actually expected that I would have to confront the way I look at myself.  I just assumed that I would lose weight and everything would get better.  A little naive for someone who once described themselves as grotesque-looking and chubby at 88lbs.  I just don't know if I'm ready to have to force myself out of habits that truly dominate my lifestyle.  I can't imagine wearing fitted clothes.  No no.  Not for me.  For right now, I think I'll have to just focus on eating what my nutritionist has outlined for me.  It is such crap that I have to walk around feeling like shit while waiting for weight to come off, but this is my reality.  There is no weight that I like, which I have determined from experience, but I honestly believe that this time around I'l be less uncomfortable when I get to a lower weight.  Wow, I can't even bullshit myself anymore, yet I trust that I (and only I) am right.

Mellow Morning

Today marks 2 weeks of no binges.  I've stayed on my meal plan except for one day out of the past 14 where I didn't eat.  For some reason I don't feel it's that much of an accomplishment, but I think I should keep in mind where I 've been in the past and even the recent past with food.  I don't see any progress physique-wise, but I'm guessing it's because of the BDD.  I don't know though, I really don't see a change.  I'm excited to see my nutritionist tomorrow-- it will be helpful to hear what she has to say about my progress.

I'm beginning to wonder if it will get easier to eat this way as time goes by or if it will always be difficult to control myself with food.  I wonder if I'll ever not have the debate in my head of whether to eat or not eat at all or whether to go into a binge.  And that's not even counting times when I'm maybe not being as mindful.  Right now I think the only thing I can do is to be cognizant about what I'm doing with food, and perhaps it will someday become second nature.  One thing that has been helping me is to think about eating in terms of pure nourishment, nothing more and nothing less.  This way, it makes no sense not to eat, but it also seems ridiculous to even want to eat empty calories and foods that have no nutritional value or are 'bad for health.'  I see the way I approach food slightly change when I think about food in this context.

"Thou shall eat to live, not live to eat."

- Ben Franklin

A Long Way to Go

It's hard to stay committed to yourself, even when you want more than anything to overcome issues and better your own life.  It gets difficult to stay motivated after a few weeks of making an effort to change old habits, especially with food.  I'm currently struggling to avoid both not bingeing and starving.  I've been following my nutritionist's plan but it is getting challenging.  I'm worried that I'll have a relapse, and if I do I'm not quite sure how I'll react to it.  If I do relapse, I have to be able to deal with it and move on.  I just want to get my ED problems out of my life, they interfere with everything I do.  I hope that I am losing weight, even though I feel like I'm gaining weight.  My nutritionist has assured me that I will lose weight with what I'm eating, but I have a hard time even believing her.  There's no way she's lying, I mean, why would she do that?  She's specialized to deal with people with EDs, so I'm sure she understands the importance of not lying to me about where my weight is going.  Ugh, I just have to get through a few weeks of this and adjust to this new way of eating.  No more bingeing, no more starving.  I have to start finding ways to actually deal with life, and to deal with my emotions.  It's not going to be easy, but it will be much more difficult not to deal with any of this and to end up either dying of starvation or 350lbs and a prisoner in my own home.  I have to at least try to maintain a positive attitude, and on days like today when I feel depressed, I have to remember that the day will end and that it will help nothing to deal with problems by abusing food.  I have to remember that it will only make things worse to turn to food, and that by not using food, I'll actually be doing something to help whatever issues I'm having be solved faster.  The most constructive thing I can always do is to always maintain my own recovery.

Breakfast Debate

My first reaction at the thought of eating breakfast is don't do it.  I get a rush of a million thoughts all at once, some of the usuals being: why start so early?  it's only going to make you eat more later.  you're too fat.  you only think you're hungry.  just wait until the afternoon.

Today, I'm writing this to convince myself otherwise.  So I'm going to address these thoughts and expose them to myself as the invalid rationalizations that they are:

1. Why start so early?  When humans eat, the ingested contents undergo the process of digestion, ultimately resulting in nutrients and glucose being absorbed by the body in the small and large intestine.  Glucose is necessary for cellular respiration-- a body can't synthesize energy without it.  Therefore, a body's metabolism cannot get started unless one eats, so eating in the morning IS the smarter thing to do.  Otherwise, the metabolism gets sluggish and the person in question has less energy and will be bound to have a less active day.
2. It's only going to make you eat more later.  Bullshit.  This is total nonsense.  Eating breakfast is usually paired in studies as being a trait shared in common by people who weigh less overall than those who don't eat breakfast.  Eating breakfast primes metabolism so that the next meal is being put into a working machine rather than an already full dump site.  If anything, it will make me eat less later.
3. You're too fat.  Newsflash-- I always think I'm too fat to do anything.  How will 230 calories affect this big picture wise?  That's right, it won't.  I am always going to think I'm fat so I simply have to fight against using it as a valid reason to draw any conclusion about the way that I should eat.
4. You only think you're hungry.  Seeing this written shows just how asinine it really is.  A past therapist of mine once explained to me how when the body wakes up, it's already in a state of starvation induced by the fact that it was asleep for 8 hours (give or take) and obviously had no intake during this time.  So why would I be an exception?
5. Just wait until the afternoon.  For what?  This is stupid because waiting will only cause more and more of a hunger signal to be sent to me.  When someone is dehydrated, the signal they get from their body is one of thirst.  If they don't drink, they will get more and more thirsty as time passes.  This will result in them drinking a large amount when they finally do drink.  So why would this be any different for food??  I should eat now and feel less hungry later.

My Choice

Yesterday I didn't eat.  I had been following my nutritionist's plan for 7 consecutive days, and on the 8th day I didn't eat.  Normally that wouldn't phase me at all, as I've often gone without food for at 3-5 days at a time, then eaten part of one low-cal, non-fat, high-protein thing before going back to fasting.  I didn't even use to recognize it as fasting, it was just normal and necessary to me.  Yesterday registers differently in my mind.  I feel weak and sick, which I'm attributing to anything except for the fact that I didn't eat, which deviated from an already restrictive (as said by my nutritionist, not me) plan.

Maybe this is a good thing-- maybe it shows that I'm finally starting to comprehend  that people eat everyday.  That living with an eating disorder is actually very uncomfortable.  Maybe instead of continuing to not eat today and beginning what I know will become a marathon of starvation, I should force myself to get right back on track with what my nutritionist outlined for me.  Just because I think I'm fat and it seems preferable to me not to eat rather than to binge eat doesn't mean that it isn't just as harmful not to eat as it is to overeat.  I shouldn't want any part in either, so I don't know why it is that I feel best about not eating as opposed to regular eating or overeating, when regular eating is the only one that's really a suitable option.

Today I will not be able to solve the mysteries of why it is that I feel the way that I feel, but I do know this:  I have to force myself to eat.  Otherwise, I'll be condemning myself to perpetuate a vicious cycle that I am intimately familiar with.  I'm suffering anyway, and I'm not happy, so why shouldn't I just listen to what my nutritionist said instead of making my own way?  Is there really any difference in how I'm going to feel either way?  I have to trust that, logically, I have gone down the road of starvation and seen what lies ahead-- depression, emptiness, never meeting expectations, hair loss, exhaustion, insomnia, loss of the sparkle in your eyes, circulation problems, and being freezing cold all the time.  The road I have yet to travel is that of healthy eating- not bingeing, which I have done in abundance- but eating 'normally.'  This has always averted me, been out of my reach and seemed like an unattainable goal.  Why not strive for it now, when I see myself at a dangerous crossroads?  The point is that I am not yet completely off the deep end, I can still make a decision.  

I realize I will think I'm fat no matter what.  So why not give myself the chance to prove myself wrong, to prove that I've been living in a consistent state of denial and falsities-- deep down I want for my nutritionist to be correct.  Being able to eat at least something every day should be easier, it shouldn't make me gain weight, and it shouldn't make me feel repulsive or over-indulgent.

From experience I know that practicing something you're not inherently good at makes you, in time, better at whatever it is you are practicing.  I know I'm not good at eating appropriately.  Combining these facts results in the conclusion that I should practice good eating habits, and when you are practicing something, it's not always perfect until you advance and become more skilled and capable at the task in question.  Eating disorder aside, I suggest I apply this. 

Nobody is Exempt from Stress

This morning has come with several unexpected stressful events.  Stress doesn't play favorites and is an unpleasant aspect of life that everyone experiences.  The best I can do is to realize my own limitations and know that I have to take care of myself as a number one priority.  It's hard to have to give up things that are important to you in order to alleviate stress and pain being experienced by someone close to you, but not everything in life is easy.  I'm going to have to deal with some heavy issues today, and it will be hard.  But I have to make sure that I'm being responsible for myself in order to endure the trials of today, which means that I have to eat according to my nutritionist's plan and that I must refrain from a binge.  I'm going to make sure that I accomplish this by taking time for myself to separate from the negativity of other people's own emotional upheavals.  Today will be a challenge and I have to stay strong, calm and collected.  Today I have to take care of others while taking care of myself.  If I lose sight of taking care of myself, then I will ultimately lose the ability to succeed in helping anyone else.

Contemplation

I'm not sure what to do right now.  I feel like a whale and my friend just invited me to go to a museum with her and a new boy that she's started dating.  I don't knooow I don't think I can handle it at all right now.  It's so hot outside so I have not a clue what I would wear, anything appropriate for this weather is too revealing of my body at this point.  As it is, I am overdressed every day anyway...I'd rather sweat than let anyone see this blob of a body that I'm stuck in.  I think maybe the best thing would be for me to just decide right now that I can't go so that I don't feel anxiety and pressure about this decision all day.  Yeah, I'll definitely have to sit this one out.  It's times like these when I think about how many times I do this-- I'm sitting out on my life.  But I don't have a choice.

I don't even know what to do today.  I wanted to go to an OA meeting but there weren't any in the area at a time that hasn't already passed today.  I'm not feeling up to doing much of anything, even though I should really take care of some work, I just feel so not able to get up and seize the day.  Maybe I should give myself a break; yesterday was hard.  Okay, I need to look at some positive aspects of this week:

• Followed the plan designed by my nutritionist.  That is a big deal even if I don't feel great about it.
• Did not binge since last Sunday.
• I love my nails.
• Spending a low pressure mid-morning/afternoon with my best friend tomorrow.
• I don't appear to have gained a significant amount of weight.  Logically, I should have lost weight with what I've been eating, but I'll never know so I have to put trust in the ppl who are trying to help me and know what they're doing.

Okay, I think I'm going to go grocery shopping.  There's something calming about going there to get food that a nutritionist told me to eat.  It eliminates that panicked feeling that I'm getting something that maybe I think is okay but that really will make me gain 3lbs.  That's how I feel about most things, but I don't want to listen to my opinion, I want to listen to hers.  My nutritionist is right and I am wrong.  I don't even really want to go anywhere at all right now though.  I have an unrealistic desire to not want to leave my house until a significant amount of weight has vanished and I have a less offensive shape.  I think I should force myself to get out of the house.  This is such a problem and right now I just wish I wasn't me.

No pain, no gain.

Another Broken Promise

I wanted to feel different today.  But it was foolish to think that a quick fix would appear just so that I could have my magical wish come true, just for today.  So I guess what I'd really hoped for was that I would get my act together before I had to see another birthday pass with this feeling of intense self-disgust.

But what was I really expecting-- why should this year have been an exception from the rest?  Instead of sitting here making another impossible commitment to myself, I think that I should bring this issue to my therapist.  It's high time I learn to trust the ED professionals I have at my disposal, it's time to wake up and stop fucking around with starvation.

The one goal for today is to eat at least one thing.  I'm going to force myself to get a latte later.  I'll just walk into my favorite shop and say the words: "extra large latte with skim milk."  I need to repeat that phrase to myself before I get there, so that it just comes out of the habit of saying it rather than my having to make a decision.  

I don't know how I am going to get dressed right now when all I really want to do is crawl back into bed until I lose 20lbs...I hate this.  I hate this so maybe I don't really hate me, just this.  Why don't I deserve to get dressed like everyone else?  Why is it that I feel compelled to dress in clothing twice the size of my own body lest someone should see any of its many imperfections in unhidden form?  It seems a cruel and unusual punishment I bestow on myself unrelentingly.  I have no answers right now, although it's clear to me that what needs to change is my attitude and not necessarily my body.  I have to keep fighting for myself, because I'll never be anything but me.    

Not How I'd Imagined It Would Be

But maybe this birthday is exactly how it should be.

I had an enlightening 3hr conversation with my bestie (boy troubles) in which she told me that she was impressed at how much I sounded like I have my shit together.  Yeah...right, that's me to a T.  But it was so positive for me to be able to help someone work through their issues, without any mention of mine.  I don't know if this is because during the conversation I got a break from myself or just that I felt in control since I was able to lift her spirits.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless, I was grateful for the opportunity.  Best part is she was so caught up in her own drama that there was no mention of my birthday whatsoever.  It made it easier for me to accept the day, at least from the hours of 11pm to 2am.

I was also very fortunate to get a beautiful comment from a fellow ED sufferer on another site, telling me to try to enjoy my birthday because it's likely that I have a distorted view of myself, just like her.  I doubt she'll ever know, but that was absolutely the best present I've ever received.  I wish her all the best and will keep her kind words with me throughout the day and likely into the future.

And now I sit here alone in my room, it's 4am and I'm being tortured with insomnia.  I have to get up around 8am, so this is really not what I wanted.  I'm so anxious and afraid for when it comes time to get dressed this morning.  I'm already feeling maximally critical of my body.  I hate this inner torment and I wish it would end.

A Glimmer of Light

I am feeling so thankful for my best friend right about now-- she just recently texted me saying that she's having some sort of crisis and really needs to talk.  In this case, her misfortune is my fortune-- I hope it's nothing too serious-- but really it is uplifting to feel needed and also not to be the center of attention.  Helping her is going to help me to take my mind off of myself and will hopefully diminish my oh woe is me attitude.  It would be great if I can help her to resolve whatever issue she's having, or at least alleviate some of her worries.

I wish I could say this was a good sign that the day will turn around for the better, but I'm going to take it at face value and just be thankful that it will help me pass through midnight without being too wrapped up in myself.  I'm gonna have to go with Nietzsche on this one:

"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man."

Breaking Point

I feel immensely sad in realizing that 1. it's almost my birthday and 2. I probably won't be able to fall asleep before the clock strikes midnight, which is going to make it all the more painful to experience.  To me it will signify the finality of the day being ruined; it will be my birthday and I officially look nothing like what I want to look like.  And how do I even know what I look like-- I don't.

I banned my birthday in my family, which really upset my mom.  I feel bad, but I feel worse for myself.  At least I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, I'm certainly in an hour of need.  It's hard knowing that all I want is to have an epiphany before it's too late, before it's tomorrow.  Something ANYTHING to just allow me to enjoy my day, and yet I know that that is for sure the one thing that isn't going to happen.  It pains me that I'll be walking around tomorrow and no one will even know the pain I'm carrying, or that it's my birthday and I'm not celebrating it because I'm ashamed of how fat I (think) I am.  And I love birthdays, that's what kills me the most.  I guess the best I can hope for is that I make it through the day without crying.  I am almost in disbelief that this is really how it's going to be, after all the years I've looked forward to turning 21, who would've guessed it's going to be me denying myself a celebration and spending the day loathing my own existence?

This too shall pass.

The Comfort Zone

Today has been fine, somewhat bland if anything.  I followed my eating plan but excluded four things, so technically I edited the plan.  I feel lucky to have an endlessly patient nutritionist (poor woman ;) who has really provided me with a lot of support.

So why did I edit my plan today?  Simply because my comfort zone has shifted from wanting to escape by eating mindlessly to wanting to not eat at all.  To eat anything today was irritating to me, what with my constant fear of over-eating once I start eating even the smallest amount of anything.  Bingeing is never appealing to me, but supposedly it occurs as a result of being extremely restrictive with eating.  I have been through many periods in the past of bingeing constantly (4 hours per day), and then exercising excessively and not eating in attempts to cancel out the effects of the over-eating.  This pattern, undoubtedly, has led me to view starving as a way to fix weight gain, and to control it.  I believe this is what I must strive to correct.  Today I found it difficult to finish what I was supposed to be eating, and found myself moving food around on the plate instead of eating.  That has to stop.

Breaking out of a comfort zone is a bitch.  It is logical enough that if I stop eating I will eventually binge-- even though I can see the science of it I don't actually believe it, at least not for myself.  I think that other people can eat more than I can and be thinner than I am.  I feel that if I were to eat a single slice of bread it would be the equivalent of someone else eating a large frosted sheet cake.  I attribute this to the fact that I'm so short (5'2") but also just think that I'm fat and my body doesn't do what I want it to do.  It's such bullshit, such a fat girl on the inside mentality.  My main focus currently is to continue to follow my nutritionist's plan, as much as I would like to deviate from it.

"Liberty is often a heavy burden on a man.  It involves that necessity for perpetual choice which is the kind of labor men have always dreaded."

- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Elsie Venner

In Slightly Low Spirits

It's been a somewhat challenging day, but not the worst I've ever seen by far.  I think that writing on this site may be temporarily causing me to be even more aware of my issues, which pretty much would mean that I'm now totally occupied with them.  This is not necessarily a bad thing-- discomfort motivates change.  I know that I'm not happy where I am, but I also know that I'm more comfortable with eating disordered patterns than I am with other lifestyles for the time being, which is why I need a special diet prescribed by my nutritionist.  However, nothing is going to change if I don't stir the water, I will simply stagnate in my current state, which is right across the hall from miserable.

I did go to the spa earlier, dressed in over-sized clothes, a baseball hat and armed with a Vogue to bury my face in.  It wasn't that anxiety-inducing until I sat to dry my nails, which is when I noticed my thighs.  There wouldn't be much point in writing a description of how I feel about them, because I've been informed by all the medical professionals who have/are treated/ing me that my view concerning my physical appearance is, to put it plainly, completely fucked up.  That being said, I was happy to get back to my car, return home and change into sweatpants.  On the bright side, my nails look fab-- Chanel Rodeo Drive truly is all it's cracked up to be (I LOVE IT).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  I only ate less than half of what I was supposed to today, so I'm going to have to be stricter tomorrow or I'm afraid I might start going off on what I like to refer to as a crazy train tangent and stop eating entirely.  To help myself, I'm going to relax for the rest of the night and just watch a movie.  Hopefully I will be able to fall asleep relatively soon, but if not I'll probably be back here sooner than anticipated.  Tomorrow I would like to start writing some thoughts on what has been useful to me in achieving a state of partial recovery and some speculations on the mystery that is BDD.  It would be helpful to myself and I do hope that people who struggle with similar/the same issues are starting to find this site, so I would love to provide them (all of you reading ;) with some form of relief/comfort in knowing that they're not alone.  You're not.

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each 

other?"

- George Eliot, Middlemarch

Mirror, Mirror...

Sometimes I wish that mirrors gave oral or written feedback as opposed to visual reflections, because it would eliminate whatever it is that goes on in my mind when I look into one.  Right now is one of those times.  I don't know what happens, but something must get lost in translation, and I'm so tired of it.  I'm feeling pretty beaten down by my poor body image, and I speculate that this is due to my birthday being on Friday.  I just can't believe I'm going to spend another birthday feeling like a disgusting failure.  It's devastating to me, and I just want to dismiss it and pretend that it's not happening even though I realize time isn't going to stop for me.  It's just that very familiar feeling of a notorious deadline coming up (ie., the new year, Christmas, a birthday, spring break, etc.) that I hate.  It makes me feel even worse than I already do on a day to day basis, which is pretty bad.

Alright, enough of that for right now and on with my life.  I'm thinking of getting a mani/pedi in the next few hours, and the only reason I'm even debating whether or not to go is (surprise) I'm not sure if I can handle sitting for so long in a spa, and having the dreaded drying time where I can't really adjust my clothes due to fingernails being under construction.  The idea of that is always scary to me, and I don't know if I can deal with it today.  I also haven't eaten yet today, and I need to put some effort into following my nutritionist's plan, so I'm going to have to get over myself and go prepare my lunch...I am so tempted not to eat.  This is so scary to me because I have been through the three ring circus already with anorexia, and it's left me with no metabolism (literally, I have no metabolism as of now, clinically proven) and has severely damaged my hair.  These are topics I will cover in an upcoming post, when I can devote some attention to explaining the severity of them, as I wouldn't want anyone to get the impression that these are minor side effects, which it may seem by my briefly interjecting them here.

Okay, I'm going to go start lunch within the next 20 minutes.  Hopefully afterwards I'll go to the spa-- in fact I'm going to get my bag together before I eat so that I can walk out the door before my morale is destroyed beyond repair.  And lastly for now, a thought-inspiring quote from one of my favorite works, Thackeray's Vanity Fair:

"The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.  Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice."

Mediocre Mood this Morning

BDD is rearing it's ugly head once again.  I never actively consider that I have this problem, although to someone reading this who is not me I'm sure it looks like it's all that I think about.  And therein lies the problem: BDD and EDs consume my thoughts and detach my life from reality, yet I'm oblivious to the fact that they are the source of my unhappiness 97% of the time.  Reading over what I've written later in the day is proving itself useful for personal introspection (which I am a big believer in) so it gives me a lot of incentive to create entries multiple times a day.  It's a way for me to monitor myself, and share as much info as possible with anyone reading who probably feels like shit this morning as well.

So I did some work and then went to take a shower (a trial in itself) only to be greeted after by a wardrobe of clothes that I feel unable to wear.  Getting dressed is so painful to me, and it always is, but I'm so accustomed to it being so incredibly difficult that I never really realized just how strange it is until I thought about putting into words.  I can't quite describe how it feels, but it involves dread along the magnitude of how it would probably feel for a normal person to anticipate going through a day in the nude, shame as if I'm an ink stain on the beautiful canvas that is everyone else's day, and hatred toward myself in the way that you would hate someone who slept with your boyfriend.  Dread, shame, and hatred...hmm, what an awful way to start a day it's a wonder I haven't just retreated back to bed.  I know it sounds pitiful and possibly selfish, which makes me feel even worse about myself, because I can't control it.

I don't think there's a way to suddenly not feel all those awful things when it comes to getting dressed, mainly because I don't see anything tangible there to actually target.  I think this is part of the complexity of EDs, they're sneaky and don't have a jugular, so to speak.  While this is a less than preferable fact, I have to take responsibility and deal with it, because nothing about the nature of the disorder is going to change, as much as I want to sit on my ass and wish that it would, or entertain futile thoughts that it will just disappear in time.  My plan of attack, therefore, is to achieve small feats that, over time, will amalgamate into triumph in its complete form.  I'm not the type to set explicit goals, because I'm much too self-critical to gauge my own progress accurately.  My therapists have their own guidelines of goals for me, and they chart my progress, so I feel like that's taken care of.  What would be nice for me is if I can begin to see changes in my attitude and the way that I feel about myself, even if only for finite periods of time.

As of right now, I'm feeling too self-aware to set any high standards for what I would like to accomplish today, so I think I will simply work on actively pushing thoughts of preoccupations about my body out of my mind whenever they arise (kind of like right now as I write about dismissing these types of thoughts, two are present and racing along in my mind).  By forcing myself to become aware, in terms of knowing the extent to which I am preoccupied with my body, I can at least maintain motivation to put effort into recovery.  Effort meaning continuing to seek treatment and implementing advice from my therapist into everyday life, even though it often exceeds my comfort zone, and doing my best to maintain the nutrition plan that my nutritionist designed specifically for me.  The self-pity has to end.  If I'm having a hard time, I should get it off my chest (which I'll probably do here in upcoming days/weeks) but then move on, instead of stagnating.  I have to actively engage in my own recovery, which includes fighting constant feelings of  'don't eat, you're fat and disgusting why would you eat?'

Hopefully today will be somewhat constructive.  Regardless, I'm sure I'll have at least one positive thing to report by the end of the day, and possibly an insight or two.  I'll leave off with one of my favorite lyrics from Jay-Z, suitable for my general feelings on effective ED recovery:

"I can't say I've never knelt before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail, but I never sat back feeling sorry for myself."

"Liquid Satan"

Anyone who has read Skinny Bitch is familiar with this term of endearment.  Soda is like a backstabbing friend; you think everything is going along smoothly until you wake up with the ever-dreaded soda bulge, which is like getting a swift knife to the back.  I have always had a taste for diet sodas (since a young age) and really wish I could stop drinking them.  Besides a transiently good time, they have nothing to offer.  Except for soda bulge.

As much as I would like to stop drinking it all together, I don't think I will be anytime soon because I very recently quit smoking (again) and so need a go-to vice.  So far not smoking has been easy, but I think maybe it's too early on for me to be in the danger zone for a relapse.  I'm going to have to be extra conscientious about that this time, as I would like not to have to quit again.  Compared to tobacco satan, liquid satan is actually looking pretty friendly.  Interesting.  

So, the more important question out of all this is how to approach the day after waking up and feeling that there's been major weight gain over night.  I don't have an answer, but here are my thoughts:

• It's not logical that I have gained any real weight from a zero calorie drink.  Perhaps water weight if anything, which is temporary, and should not contribute to making me feel worse about myself.
  
• I'm never satisfied with the way I look when I wake up, so today instead of harshly criticizing myself I can perhaps try to attribute these criticisms to the effects of soda.
  
• I think a good plan for today may be to avoid jeans, as even trying them on may open the doors to more self-loathing.
  
• Even though I hate my appearance right now, my nails look nice, so I should temporarily fixate on that (Chanel Melrose!  I highly recommend it- it's the perfect pink for summer).

I have a really busy day today so wasting time with this nonsense isn't going to do anything but negatively contribute to stress and prevent me from any enjoyment that I may derive from the day.  I'm seeing my therapist later, so that should also be a calming experience.  As difficult as it is, I think I have to start making active efforts to push forward and convert negative feelings about myself into positive thought, otherwise I fear I'll be stuck like this forever.  Even though I believe I'm fat, the sizes of my clothes suggest otherwise.  That's somewhere to start on my trip back to reality.  Also if I can convince myself that an unwanted bulge is the result of my good friend liquid satan, then why shouldn't I feel that I can wear whatever I want?  I don't even know why I feel so restricted in what I can and can't wear, even on a regular basis.  I've never quite grasped the concept that wearing over-sized clothes actually makes you look bigger, so I continue to do it.  It'll probably be a long time before I can begin to comprehend that and believe it for myself, and I don't know if I'll ever even be able to actually see it for myself (as opposed to on others), but I have to work with my situation.

Alright, it's time to attack the day.  Writing has been somewhat soothing to the amount of nervousness that I feel at the start of every day in knowing that I have to go show myself to the world.  It looks like it's going to be beautiful weather, so hopefully that will help to maintain high spirits.  Or at least achieve them (what a mess).

I am what I am.

Definition: Only Fat on the Inside

Back already (uh-oh, addictive personality kicking in ;).  

So let's get down to business; what does it mean to be fat on the inside?  In a sentence, it means what it is to be me.  I don't know if there are any others out there who can relate, something that I often wonder about, but let me explain.  Fat on the inside obviously means that you merely feel fat, but are not physically fat.  But this is no small matter.  You are what you feel, and the way you treat yourself as a result has profound impacts.  So why do I say only fat on the inside?  This is because I truly believe I'm fat (due to severe body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), I might add) but have been told repeatedly by experienced ED specialists that I have the worst case of BDD they've ever encountered.  I'm hoping (maybe naively) that looking at the 'only' in the title every time I update will help me to turn my negative view of myself around.  

But fat on the inside is not quite that simple of a phenomenon.  In my endless belief that I'm fat, I constantly envision myself as a 'fat girl' on the inside, meaning that I feel out of control with food.  Anyone who has experienced the devastation that accompanies uncontrollable over-eating can attest to the feeling of loss of control.  It makes you feel as though you are unable to trust yourself with food.  And it is precisely this lack of trust, cultivated through years of binge eating paired with restriction, that propels the vicious cycle back into anorexia, onto bingeing, and back again to anorexia, etc.  Ironically, given my beloved title here, a goal of mine is to extract this feeling of fat on the inside from myself, and ultimately to recognize that I am just as capable as anyone of controlling what/how I eat.  My dream is to be able to eat in moderation and without feelings of guilt or shame.

Feeling fat on the inside essentially is one that holds you captive, as it prevents you from ever feeling good about your appearance.  Take it from someone who knows what it's like, BDD means that you can lose or gain 30lbs and truly consider yourself equally repulsive at either end of the spectrum.  To anyone who can relate, know that you're not alone and that it is more likely that anyone who stares at you is doing so because they are seeing a beautiful person rather than the monstrosity you see in your own reflection.  And also for all of us who are currently fat on the inside, a fitting line from the pages of The Picture of Dorian Gray, appropriate in the idea that we can't see what others apparently do when it comes to ourselves:

"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know."

Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

I actually have no idea how to really approach this, so I'm just going to write.  One of my reasons for creating this is because I have often heard that journaling can be very helpful and sometimes crucial to eating disorder recovery, but it's never been a habit that I can stick to.  So I'll try this out and see if it's any more motivating, since it creates at least the idea that other people are reading this and/or finding comfort in seeing that they're not alone.  I have struggled for years with various eating disorders and truly know what it is to suffer the pain that is involved with an ED.  So I plan on using this site as a way to express myself as I would in a private journal, so that I may rid myself of anxiety during difficult times and also in hopes that others who are enduring similar trials may find a place of understanding.  Comments are welcome, insults are not.

So it would be impossible for me to summarize what life has been like for me thus far, but I'll try to give a succinct overview:

• I am 21 years old and stand at 5'2"
• I am a student at one of the Ivies
• I struggled with over- and under-eating throughout high school but never knew just how disordered I was
• It was only last year that I was officially diagnosed with an ED
• I have attended OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for an entire summer (2007)
• I have seen several therapists.  At the height of my struggle with anorexia, I had 3 appointments per week with doctors/therapists/nutritionists during a semester of college.  I currently see a nutritionist once a week and an eating disorder specialist (the best in my area) once a week.
• My situation is unique in that I struggle with anorexia and binge eating, a combination that is proving extremely difficult to treat effectively.  I have seen the depths of both, often times feeling as though I'm the only one with this somewhat curious affliction.

On a lighter note, some of my favorite things include museums, Chanel nail polish, art & art history, philosophy beauty products, reading James Joyce, Vogue & Architectural Digest, interior design,  Marilyn Monroe, strawberries, Zac Posen, and lazy Saturday afternoons.

It is very likely that I will update often, as I am a partial insomniac (unfortunately, and I hope none of you can relate).  Later or tomorrow, I'll do a post explaining the title I've chosen, in case that's of interest to anyone.  I hope that writing candidly about my experiences with over- and under-eating will allow people with various ED struggles to find some sort of peace with themselves by seeing that it's not just them.  Until then, I will leave everyone off with some words of wisdom from William James:

"The hardest sort of judgment, the judgment which strains the attention most, is that about the smallest things and differences."