The Danger Zone

Saturday night and of course I have no plans, but that's standard for me every week.  Yesterday was good and so was today, I think.  It's weird, but I'm always kind of second guessing whenever I feel like it has been a good day because of the constant negativity uncontrollably swirling in my head.  I would say that, relative to the norm, for me today was great.

There was a tremendous thunder storm earlier today, which subsided and then the sun was out, and just now there was another storm so that it's a cool, misty night outside.  This is the danger zone.  Whenever I am dealt circumstances like these, they are beyond my control, but I can take precautions as long as I am able to recognize potential triggers.  Let me set this up: It's a Saturday and soon it will get into the later hours of the night.  It's chilly and damp outside.  These are what I refer to as "conducive to a mega-binge" conditions.  I have to really stay aware of myself tonight or I will be off in candyland for real.

Earlier I found my mind wandering to thoughts of cheese doodles.  Then cake.  Pizza.  Cheeze-itz.  Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, Chips Ahoy chewy chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.  Sandwiches.  More cake, brownies, salty potato chips, and then round it off with some Pepperidge Farm chocolate cookies and ice cream.  The progress that I've made really shined through tonight, because I totally caught myself when I started to think about the first cake.  Normally, and by normally I mean the reality that has happened over and over and over in the past, I would think through the above list in its entirety (always a menu similar to that) and then be halfway to the nearest A&P or local grocery store before realizing that I was about to binge.  And at that point, you can't stop a binge.  You're already in way waay too deep, and you just think fuck it all, I'm doing this and I'll fix it tomorrow or the next day or the day after by not eating.  You think to yourself that you don't give a shit, you're fat anyway so why not and you're already there and so on and so forth.  What's really going on is that your emotions have risen to a point beyond your control and now you have no outlet and no choice and you just let it all go-- go waste money go eat and keep eating, you're a fat pig so just eat.

I'm proud of myself.  I am completely aware of what years of an ED has done in terms of conditioning me to binge-- but knowing that I'm predisposed to binge on a night like tonight, just weather-wise, I already have won half the battle.  Now I can protect myself against ED brainwashing that may occur later.  What I did upon recognizing the situation was plan out the rest of the night.  I'm going to crochet a blanket that I'm working on for a close friend of mine, I'm going to stay in the same room where my brother is, and I will very likely be writing more tonight.  I'm glad I'm at a point where I'm not content to just throw my hands up in despair and yield to this fucking ED.  Fuck you, binge-eating, and fuck you too, anorexia.  I'm not a vessel for this shit anymore, at least not without a fight.