The Question of the Hour

Here it is: the clean slate of a new month.  It is officially August, and THE question is...can I get through the month without bingeing?  The answer is yes.  So maybe what the question really should be is will I get through the month without bingeing?  I will answer that at the end of the month, because there's no real point in putting an emphasis on whether or not I will stray from my meal plan on one or several given day/s this month.

Now normally I would place emphasis on counting days-- how long since I have binged, how many days of not eating, etc.  But what I am currently trying to do for myself that is very different from anything I'm accustomed to is to view food solely as nourishment required by my body.  It's just glucose for aerobic respiration.  Nothing more, but also very importantly, nothing less.  Food is essential, meaning no more cop out days where I get frazzled and don't eat.  However, I want to break the very bad habit of harshly battering myself emotionally whenever I do have a slip-up day.  Slip-ups are part of recovery from an eating disorder-- my nutritionist actually gave me a graph plotting what is known as 'the recovery model,' showing just this.  If I do encounter a slip up this month, I will have to work hard to mold my normal harsh response into something more suitable for a human being; I absolutely have to stop treating myself like shit.

I'm proud that I got through most of July binge-free.  It makes my ruined birthday seem like not a total and utter waste but rather a jump-off point into better days.  But that would be me compartmentalizing time by eating habits again (slap on the wrist ;).  Anyway, I'm happy and relatively excited for the new month vibe, which comes with the first of any month regardless of whether or not you are me trying to break a bad habit of day-counting.  Each new month brings a positive energy, a unique seasonal flair (on weather and fashion fronts), and anticipation of special events during that month.  Unfortunately, since I'm obviously feeling quite crappy still (too bad a new month can't magically sweep that garbage out of my life), I'm not as excited as I definitely should or could be.

But I do have hope.  The feeing that I will be able to manage my eating disorders is one that I didn't have at all just a short time ago.  It was like living in limbo, or an abyss that is especially dark.  Now, I do think that my spirits have been lifted and strengthened, likely a result of proving to myself that I can eat everyday without bingeing.  I've never gone this long without either restricting intake or bingeing.  Anytime I went this long without bingeing I wasn't eating much of anything, or I wasn't eating anything at all.  So this is a landmark for me.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never gone more that 1.5 days without restricting/bingeing, at least not since I was 14yrs old.  So this is actually a monumental achievement for me.  I'm thankful to be making progress. 

Regardless of what happens this month, it is starting on a (relatively speaking) high note, and I plan to end it on one as well.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

- William Shakespeare