Devil's Food Cake

Today is one of those days.  About an hour ago, out of the blue, I felt a slight urge to go eat something.  I started to reason whether or not it would be safe for me to eat part of what I'm scheduled to eat for lunch right now...because what could be so bad about that, right?  WRONG.  I quickly recognized that this is a code red situation, I can't be so stupid as to think that I'll be fine if I eat anything.  Even just a little bit.  Even if I were to eat a leaf of lettuce right now, it would send me into a binge.  So I've been sitting in my room watching old episodes of That 70's Show (great show, but still a waste of the day).  I want to be able to use this site as a way to curb myself from doing stupid things with food, so I figured I'd come write in somewhat of a stream of consciousness and see if any information as to why I'm having a proceed-with-caution-you-might-binge-any-minute-now kind of day reveals itself.

Last night I made a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting for a colleague of my mother; for her birthday.  I like to bake things, but obviously I don't eat them (not by choice) and no one in my family really gets into it (contributes to my feeling like a superfat freak when I have bouts of bingeing).  So I jumped at the opportunity to make the cake, and it was fun.  Being around the batter and getting some of it and the frosting on my hands (inevitable while baking/pouring) made my nervous.  Not because I thought I was going to eat it, but I just didn't really want it on me or near me-- I felt like it was invading my space.  Maybe being up close and personal with sugary/oily stuff like that makes me uncomfortable because I never go near it by choice, I only get in with stuff like that when I'm on an uncontrollable binge, when I get in really deep with stuff like that.  Maybe that's part of the problem-- obviously the hundreds or thousands of torturous binges I've experienced have left me with many negative associations when it comes to food that I consider to be 'fat girl food.'  I wonder if the fact that I recognize this could help me to get over it instead of having to feel extra wary around those kinds of foods.

So today I'm feeling uncomfortable about the idea of food in general, which is interesting considering the cake-bake event of last night.  It appears that my fears about food have escalated to a point where I feel ready to throw the towel in (on the verge of a binge when it seems nothing has happened to provoke it) yet I have not deviated from my meal plan.  I've done nothing, just baked a cake.  That doesn't mean I ate it, and for some reason I feel nervous as though I'd done just that.  Very strange.

Of course, I'm feeling extra fat today, but that's nothing new.  My body image is always either bad, worse, or unbearable.  Not that I'm content to live like this, but I do think it's helpful for me to recognize that the way I see myself will not change overnight, and it certainly won't even have a chance of changing if I don't give myself the chance to eat in a more normal pattern (ie not skipping meals or days, not bingeing).

I'm already feeling less nervous about bingeing, after having written this.  I've remarkably lost that urgent feeling that is the very well known and dreaded prelude to a binge.  It's the feeling of urgency that those of us who intimately know binge-eating disorders are all too familiar with.  It always is accompanied by an immediate feeling of defeat for me-- as soon as I feel the urgency, even in the smallest way, I kind of throw my hands up and just prepare to feel lower than shit.  It kills me inside because I know that something is about to happen: I'm going to binge.  I'm going to destroy my own body that I've been working so hard to get into shape.  I'm going to destroy my self-esteem, whatever is left of it.  I'm going to destroy my day and my plans for the future.  I'm going to destroy my tomorrow.  And personally, as soon as I know a binge is coming, I think that I also kind of gear up for a marathon of binges, because I know that once I start it begins a cycle.  Same damn thing every time.

Well, not today.  Bingeing clearly is a coping mechanism that I have developed as a direct result of being self-critical: it is an embodiment of self-criticism.  There is obviously an intricate foundation as to why my self-hate manifests itself in this way, but it is the cruelest way to inflict pain on oneself; bingeing is the alpha 'I hate myself.'  Not today.  I need to stop creating situations where I can batter myself and then wallow in sorrow.  I do not need to sit here and eat trays, boxes, and bags of food.  Not today, the devil's food does not tempt me.