Mirror, Mirror...

Sometimes I wish that mirrors gave oral or written feedback as opposed to visual reflections, because it would eliminate whatever it is that goes on in my mind when I look into one.  Right now is one of those times.  I don't know what happens, but something must get lost in translation, and I'm so tired of it.  I'm feeling pretty beaten down by my poor body image, and I speculate that this is due to my birthday being on Friday.  I just can't believe I'm going to spend another birthday feeling like a disgusting failure.  It's devastating to me, and I just want to dismiss it and pretend that it's not happening even though I realize time isn't going to stop for me.  It's just that very familiar feeling of a notorious deadline coming up (ie., the new year, Christmas, a birthday, spring break, etc.) that I hate.  It makes me feel even worse than I already do on a day to day basis, which is pretty bad.

Alright, enough of that for right now and on with my life.  I'm thinking of getting a mani/pedi in the next few hours, and the only reason I'm even debating whether or not to go is (surprise) I'm not sure if I can handle sitting for so long in a spa, and having the dreaded drying time where I can't really adjust my clothes due to fingernails being under construction.  The idea of that is always scary to me, and I don't know if I can deal with it today.  I also haven't eaten yet today, and I need to put some effort into following my nutritionist's plan, so I'm going to have to get over myself and go prepare my lunch...I am so tempted not to eat.  This is so scary to me because I have been through the three ring circus already with anorexia, and it's left me with no metabolism (literally, I have no metabolism as of now, clinically proven) and has severely damaged my hair.  These are topics I will cover in an upcoming post, when I can devote some attention to explaining the severity of them, as I wouldn't want anyone to get the impression that these are minor side effects, which it may seem by my briefly interjecting them here.

Okay, I'm going to go start lunch within the next 20 minutes.  Hopefully afterwards I'll go to the spa-- in fact I'm going to get my bag together before I eat so that I can walk out the door before my morale is destroyed beyond repair.  And lastly for now, a thought-inspiring quote from one of my favorite works, Thackeray's Vanity Fair:

"The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.  Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice."