So why did I edit my plan today? Simply because my comfort zone has shifted from wanting to escape by eating mindlessly to wanting to not eat at all. To eat anything today was irritating to me, what with my constant fear of over-eating once I start eating even the smallest amount of anything. Bingeing is never appealing to me, but supposedly it occurs as a result of being extremely restrictive with eating. I have been through many periods in the past of bingeing constantly (4 hours per day), and then exercising excessively and not eating in attempts to cancel out the effects of the over-eating. This pattern, undoubtedly, has led me to view starving as a way to fix weight gain, and to control it. I believe this is what I must strive to correct. Today I found it difficult to finish what I was supposed to be eating, and found myself moving food around on the plate instead of eating. That has to stop.
Breaking out of a comfort zone is a bitch. It is logical enough that if I stop eating I will eventually binge-- even though I can see the science of it I don't actually believe it, at least not for myself. I think that other people can eat more than I can and be thinner than I am. I feel that if I were to eat a single slice of bread it would be the equivalent of someone else eating a large frosted sheet cake. I attribute this to the fact that I'm so short (5'2") but also just think that I'm fat and my body doesn't do what I want it to do. It's such bullshit, such a fat girl on the inside mentality. My main focus currently is to continue to follow my nutritionist's plan, as much as I would like to deviate from it.
"Liberty is often a heavy burden on a man. It involves that necessity for perpetual choice which is the kind of labor men have always dreaded."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Elsie Venner
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