So let's get down to business; what does it mean to be fat on the inside? In a sentence, it means what it is to be me. I don't know if there are any others out there who can relate, something that I often wonder about, but let me explain. Fat on the inside obviously means that you merely feel fat, but are not physically fat. But this is no small matter. You are what you feel, and the way you treat yourself as a result has profound impacts. So why do I say only fat on the inside? This is because I truly believe I'm fat (due to severe body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), I might add) but have been told repeatedly by experienced ED specialists that I have the worst case of BDD they've ever encountered. I'm hoping (maybe naively) that looking at the 'only' in the title every time I update will help me to turn my negative view of myself around.
But fat on the inside is not quite that simple of a phenomenon. In my endless belief that I'm fat, I constantly envision myself as a 'fat girl' on the inside, meaning that I feel out of control with food. Anyone who has experienced the devastation that accompanies uncontrollable over-eating can attest to the feeling of loss of control. It makes you feel as though you are unable to trust yourself with food. And it is precisely this lack of trust, cultivated through years of binge eating paired with restriction, that propels the vicious cycle back into anorexia, onto bingeing, and back again to anorexia, etc. Ironically, given my beloved title here, a goal of mine is to extract this feeling of fat on the inside from myself, and ultimately to recognize that I am just as capable as anyone of controlling what/how I eat. My dream is to be able to eat in moderation and without feelings of guilt or shame.
Feeling fat on the inside essentially is one that holds you captive, as it prevents you from ever feeling good about your appearance. Take it from someone who knows what it's like, BDD means that you can lose or gain 30lbs and truly consider yourself equally repulsive at either end of the spectrum. To anyone who can relate, know that you're not alone and that it is more likely that anyone who stares at you is doing so because they are seeing a beautiful person rather than the monstrosity you see in your own reflection. And also for all of us who are currently fat on the inside, a fitting line from the pages of The Picture of Dorian Gray, appropriate in the idea that we can't see what others apparently do when it comes to ourselves:
"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know."
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