As much as it has lifted my spirits to see an audience of people who can relate to this site (no bullshit, it really does brighten the tone of the day), I must admit that I have not been feeling very well at all for the past few days. I'm not quite sure why, but it probably has to do with the fact that I'm eating everyday without bingeing or starving. This past Tuesday my nutritionist again told me that I have lost weight, which is what should be happening on the meal plan I'm following. An overview of the issues I'm having with the food/weight battle is as follows:
- I don't know what my weight is and I can't handle knowing. So basically I have no way of relieving the intense anxiety I feel over how much I weigh and how much weight I need to lose etc., which is aggravating to no end.
- I don't know how much weight I am losing each week because again, I can't be trusted to handle that kind of information, so my nutritionist doesn't tell me. This leads my mind to wandering, and of course I end up concluding that just because she tells me I'm losing weight, that could mean that maybe I only lost like 0.2 lbs. Which sounds like some bullshit to me. I really hate not knowing.
- In my eyes, my body is getting more disgusting and certainly fatter. I don't even know how it's possible that my vision can contradict numerically factual evidence. But if anyone could achieve such a ridiculous feat, it most surely would be me.
- Everyday I am noticing more and more that I spend a good portion of time devoted to hatching plans of not eating. I need to put the brakes on that before it gets out of control.
- I find it problematic that I'm not proud of the fact that I have stayed away from binges for 16 days now.
I spoke with my therapist today about this last point, and she explained a lot to me about how being a trauma victim (extensive verbal and emotional abuse as a child) has contributed to my behaviors. Anytime anything happens, good or bad or whatever it is, I always criticize myself and never see positive in what I do. It's my way of beating everyone else to the punch line, so to speak. And I'm very good at it. Unfortunately.
I don't know...all this nonsense seems like more than I bargained for. I never actually expected that I would have to confront the way I look at myself. I just assumed that I would lose weight and everything would get better. A little naive for someone who once described themselves as grotesque-looking and chubby at 88lbs. I just don't know if I'm ready to have to force myself out of habits that truly dominate my lifestyle. I can't imagine wearing fitted clothes. No no. Not for me. For right now, I think I'll have to just focus on eating what my nutritionist has outlined for me. It is such crap that I have to walk around feeling like shit while waiting for weight to come off, but this is my reality. There is no weight that I like, which I have determined from experience, but I honestly believe that this time around I'l be less uncomfortable when I get to a lower weight. Wow, I can't even bullshit myself anymore, yet I trust that I (and only I) am right.
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