Another Broken Promise

I wanted to feel different today.  But it was foolish to think that a quick fix would appear just so that I could have my magical wish come true, just for today.  So I guess what I'd really hoped for was that I would get my act together before I had to see another birthday pass with this feeling of intense self-disgust.

But what was I really expecting-- why should this year have been an exception from the rest?  Instead of sitting here making another impossible commitment to myself, I think that I should bring this issue to my therapist.  It's high time I learn to trust the ED professionals I have at my disposal, it's time to wake up and stop fucking around with starvation.

The one goal for today is to eat at least one thing.  I'm going to force myself to get a latte later.  I'll just walk into my favorite shop and say the words: "extra large latte with skim milk."  I need to repeat that phrase to myself before I get there, so that it just comes out of the habit of saying it rather than my having to make a decision.  

I don't know how I am going to get dressed right now when all I really want to do is crawl back into bed until I lose 20lbs...I hate this.  I hate this so maybe I don't really hate me, just this.  Why don't I deserve to get dressed like everyone else?  Why is it that I feel compelled to dress in clothing twice the size of my own body lest someone should see any of its many imperfections in unhidden form?  It seems a cruel and unusual punishment I bestow on myself unrelentingly.  I have no answers right now, although it's clear to me that what needs to change is my attitude and not necessarily my body.  I have to keep fighting for myself, because I'll never be anything but me.