Breaking Point

I feel immensely sad in realizing that 1. it's almost my birthday and 2. I probably won't be able to fall asleep before the clock strikes midnight, which is going to make it all the more painful to experience.  To me it will signify the finality of the day being ruined; it will be my birthday and I officially look nothing like what I want to look like.  And how do I even know what I look like-- I don't.

I banned my birthday in my family, which really upset my mom.  I feel bad, but I feel worse for myself.  At least I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, I'm certainly in an hour of need.  It's hard knowing that all I want is to have an epiphany before it's too late, before it's tomorrow.  Something ANYTHING to just allow me to enjoy my day, and yet I know that that is for sure the one thing that isn't going to happen.  It pains me that I'll be walking around tomorrow and no one will even know the pain I'm carrying, or that it's my birthday and I'm not celebrating it because I'm ashamed of how fat I (think) I am.  And I love birthdays, that's what kills me the most.  I guess the best I can hope for is that I make it through the day without crying.  I am almost in disbelief that this is really how it's going to be, after all the years I've looked forward to turning 21, who would've guessed it's going to be me denying myself a celebration and spending the day loathing my own existence?

This too shall pass.