"Liquid Satan"

Anyone who has read Skinny Bitch is familiar with this term of endearment.  Soda is like a backstabbing friend; you think everything is going along smoothly until you wake up with the ever-dreaded soda bulge, which is like getting a swift knife to the back.  I have always had a taste for diet sodas (since a young age) and really wish I could stop drinking them.  Besides a transiently good time, they have nothing to offer.  Except for soda bulge.

As much as I would like to stop drinking it all together, I don't think I will be anytime soon because I very recently quit smoking (again) and so need a go-to vice.  So far not smoking has been easy, but I think maybe it's too early on for me to be in the danger zone for a relapse.  I'm going to have to be extra conscientious about that this time, as I would like not to have to quit again.  Compared to tobacco satan, liquid satan is actually looking pretty friendly.  Interesting.  

So, the more important question out of all this is how to approach the day after waking up and feeling that there's been major weight gain over night.  I don't have an answer, but here are my thoughts:

• It's not logical that I have gained any real weight from a zero calorie drink.  Perhaps water weight if anything, which is temporary, and should not contribute to making me feel worse about myself.
  
• I'm never satisfied with the way I look when I wake up, so today instead of harshly criticizing myself I can perhaps try to attribute these criticisms to the effects of soda.
  
• I think a good plan for today may be to avoid jeans, as even trying them on may open the doors to more self-loathing.
  
• Even though I hate my appearance right now, my nails look nice, so I should temporarily fixate on that (Chanel Melrose!  I highly recommend it- it's the perfect pink for summer).

I have a really busy day today so wasting time with this nonsense isn't going to do anything but negatively contribute to stress and prevent me from any enjoyment that I may derive from the day.  I'm seeing my therapist later, so that should also be a calming experience.  As difficult as it is, I think I have to start making active efforts to push forward and convert negative feelings about myself into positive thought, otherwise I fear I'll be stuck like this forever.  Even though I believe I'm fat, the sizes of my clothes suggest otherwise.  That's somewhere to start on my trip back to reality.  Also if I can convince myself that an unwanted bulge is the result of my good friend liquid satan, then why shouldn't I feel that I can wear whatever I want?  I don't even know why I feel so restricted in what I can and can't wear, even on a regular basis.  I've never quite grasped the concept that wearing over-sized clothes actually makes you look bigger, so I continue to do it.  It'll probably be a long time before I can begin to comprehend that and believe it for myself, and I don't know if I'll ever even be able to actually see it for myself (as opposed to on others), but I have to work with my situation.

Alright, it's time to attack the day.  Writing has been somewhat soothing to the amount of nervousness that I feel at the start of every day in knowing that I have to go show myself to the world.  It looks like it's going to be beautiful weather, so hopefully that will help to maintain high spirits.  Or at least achieve them (what a mess).

I am what I am.