Contemplation

I'm not sure what to do right now.  I feel like a whale and my friend just invited me to go to a museum with her and a new boy that she's started dating.  I don't knooow I don't think I can handle it at all right now.  It's so hot outside so I have not a clue what I would wear, anything appropriate for this weather is too revealing of my body at this point.  As it is, I am overdressed every day anyway...I'd rather sweat than let anyone see this blob of a body that I'm stuck in.  I think maybe the best thing would be for me to just decide right now that I can't go so that I don't feel anxiety and pressure about this decision all day.  Yeah, I'll definitely have to sit this one out.  It's times like these when I think about how many times I do this-- I'm sitting out on my life.  But I don't have a choice.

I don't even know what to do today.  I wanted to go to an OA meeting but there weren't any in the area at a time that hasn't already passed today.  I'm not feeling up to doing much of anything, even though I should really take care of some work, I just feel so not able to get up and seize the day.  Maybe I should give myself a break; yesterday was hard.  Okay, I need to look at some positive aspects of this week:

• Followed the plan designed by my nutritionist.  That is a big deal even if I don't feel great about it.
• Did not binge since last Sunday.
• I love my nails.
• Spending a low pressure mid-morning/afternoon with my best friend tomorrow.
• I don't appear to have gained a significant amount of weight.  Logically, I should have lost weight with what I've been eating, but I'll never know so I have to put trust in the ppl who are trying to help me and know what they're doing.

Okay, I think I'm going to go grocery shopping.  There's something calming about going there to get food that a nutritionist told me to eat.  It eliminates that panicked feeling that I'm getting something that maybe I think is okay but that really will make me gain 3lbs.  That's how I feel about most things, but I don't want to listen to my opinion, I want to listen to hers.  My nutritionist is right and I am wrong.  I don't even really want to go anywhere at all right now though.  I have an unrealistic desire to not want to leave my house until a significant amount of weight has vanished and I have a less offensive shape.  I think I should force myself to get out of the house.  This is such a problem and right now I just wish I wasn't me.

No pain, no gain.