Self-Aware

So I added a yoga widget to the bottom of the page, as I was reading something in the yoga journal today that talked about how yoga has proven to be useful in addiction recovery.  Binge-eating is an addictive behavior, and it has many parallels to the descriptions of physical urges and anxiety experienced by drug addicts prior to relapse, so I thought it might be helpful for anyone with an ED.  I personally think that yoga is useful in dissipating nervous energy that so often characterizes those of us with EDs, and I would like to make it more part of my routine in stead of doing it sometimes.

I haven't written here in a while because I have another blog that I write on, it's a venue for people struggling with EDs, so I find it helpful because it makes me feel less alone.  I still like this blog a lot though, because I feel like it's totally private and also I designed it to my liking (very into ivory).  I relapsed this past week and got very very depressed, then decided to get up and stop fucking myself over.  I realized that something had to change, so decided to wait until next summer to apply to grad school rather than doing it right now and cramming everything into right now right now rightnow.  I felt instantly better after making that decision-- I think it's the first time I've made a decision based solely on my health and just for myself.  I feel like I stepped off of the hamster wheel, and it has been very freeing.

I am more committed than ever to watch what I eat and make sure that it's only what my nutritionist has outlined for me, but my reasons have changed.  I want to watch what I'm eating solely to save my sanity, it has nothing to do with weight anymore because I've realized that that is futile and only frustrates me.  Where I am right now, I feel I'll never like my body, but so what.  After falling into such a severe depression this past week, I can see that this is a matter of me either being functional or not, it has nothing to do with weight.  So now I feel even better equipped to deal with urges to binge, because it really is a matter of health or not for me, I can't function worth a damn if I eat anything at all that wasn't specified by my nutritionist.

My main focus of the moment, other than to stay on track with food (which is technically always a focus for anyone with an ED), is to make decisions for myself.  Instead of just ebbing and flowing with life and doing everything according to some non-existent blueprint that only exists in the prison of my conditioned mind, I want to find out what it is that I actually want and what makes me feel happy and alive and I want to do that.  No exceptions.  Deciding to take a year between college and grad school was the first decision of this nature that I've ever made, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.  Based on that, I want to continue my life in this fashion.

I Hate This

I'm feeling so crappy today for no apparent reason.  Well, my brother left early this morning to go to a friend's wedding in LA, so maybe that has something to do with it.  But he's getting back really soon, early next week.  So I don't know why my outlook is so bleak, probably his leaving is a contributing factor, just because it does kind of stir the water in terms of time moving forward.  And that always unsettles me even if I don't recognize it fully.

So what to do.  I don't want to rough it through the rest of the day feeling like shit.  It's so pointless, and I've experienced it so many times.  I think maybe I need to go do something, but I don't know what to do.  I was thinking of shopping, but that sometimes leaves me feeling very empty, because when it's done to fill a void inside it often backfires and just leaves me feeling worse.  I also had the thought to go to Barnes & Noble and get a new book from the ED section, one that is uplifting as opposed to depressing.  But they're hard to find and I don't know if they even have anything new there.  It couldn't hurt to just go take a look, and then if I do find something it would just be all the better.  Ugh, I barely have motivation to get up and leave the house, I really feel so gloomy.  It's annoying because I can see that I'm just going to sit here...

Okay my brother actually just called to say that his plane landed.  That lifted my a little bit out of my pity party that has been evolving throughout today.  Maybe I should just go shopping- I could get something to wear tomorrow.  Even though I can never really get anything anymore except for sweatpants and t-shirts.  How sad, this is truly pathetic.  I'm getting so irritated with myself...maybe I should just go to the movies, just so that I can stop thinking for even an hour or two.  Wouldn't that be nice.

Frustration

You know what is worse than relapsing into ED habits?  Not relapsing, yet being more and more unhappy with each coming day.  Why is this happening?  Today is now the 3-week marker of following my nutritionist's plan, except for one day during which I did not eat.  I should be happier.  But I'm not, and I am feeling worse and worse about my body.

I hate that I can't pick myself up out of all this negativity, and I don't want to start having a defeatist attitude.  But it is hard, especially when you are doing what you're supposed to be doing, and not getting results.  I feel that I am pulling my share in doing my part in recovery, yet I am not seeing the changes in my thought patterns that I thought would be the fruits of my labor in fighting against my eating disorders.  Is it too soon?  Probably.  But that doesn't change the fact that I am uncomfortable right now and feel that my hands are tied.

So it appears I am at yet another precipice-- if I turn back to anorexia or bingeing to soothe my building anxiety and frustrations, I will be throwing away everything I've been working toward.  I will achieve a false sense of being in control.  But, if I stay on course and muster strength from within, I will be going on good faith that my nutritionist is not lying to me.  I will be uncomfortable, and maybe feel worse than I do now in the next few weeks, but I will have the one hope that this is part of the recovery process, and that I have to stick through this storm to eventually triumph over my EDs.  The only reason that me and my disordered self actually believes that staying on plan will eventually work to my advantage is that I can't help but to think that if recovery wasn't extremely challenging, more people would have an easier time recovering.

I don't want to be a statistic, I have to stop being easily thrown off-balance by pro-ana musings that are sprinkled everywhere in daily life, both from within myself and from the external world.  I'm going to try what I haven't tried before and stay loyal to the plan that has been made for me by certified eating disorder specialists.  After all, I don't develop new ways to drive my car every morning, nor do I develop new symbols for the alphabet to represent my own version of the English language.  I have to have enough trust, even though I don't believe it right now, in the fact that I am not an exception to other people-- I don't get fat by looking at food or having a bite of something.  I can eat like a normal person even though I don't think I can.  I have to believe that people certified to deal with ED recovery have made a better plan for me than I can for myself.  I have to stop believing that I know what is best for me when it comes to food, because I don't.

The Danger Zone

Saturday night and of course I have no plans, but that's standard for me every week.  Yesterday was good and so was today, I think.  It's weird, but I'm always kind of second guessing whenever I feel like it has been a good day because of the constant negativity uncontrollably swirling in my head.  I would say that, relative to the norm, for me today was great.

There was a tremendous thunder storm earlier today, which subsided and then the sun was out, and just now there was another storm so that it's a cool, misty night outside.  This is the danger zone.  Whenever I am dealt circumstances like these, they are beyond my control, but I can take precautions as long as I am able to recognize potential triggers.  Let me set this up: It's a Saturday and soon it will get into the later hours of the night.  It's chilly and damp outside.  These are what I refer to as "conducive to a mega-binge" conditions.  I have to really stay aware of myself tonight or I will be off in candyland for real.

Earlier I found my mind wandering to thoughts of cheese doodles.  Then cake.  Pizza.  Cheeze-itz.  Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, Chips Ahoy chewy chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.  Sandwiches.  More cake, brownies, salty potato chips, and then round it off with some Pepperidge Farm chocolate cookies and ice cream.  The progress that I've made really shined through tonight, because I totally caught myself when I started to think about the first cake.  Normally, and by normally I mean the reality that has happened over and over and over in the past, I would think through the above list in its entirety (always a menu similar to that) and then be halfway to the nearest A&P or local grocery store before realizing that I was about to binge.  And at that point, you can't stop a binge.  You're already in way waay too deep, and you just think fuck it all, I'm doing this and I'll fix it tomorrow or the next day or the day after by not eating.  You think to yourself that you don't give a shit, you're fat anyway so why not and you're already there and so on and so forth.  What's really going on is that your emotions have risen to a point beyond your control and now you have no outlet and no choice and you just let it all go-- go waste money go eat and keep eating, you're a fat pig so just eat.

I'm proud of myself.  I am completely aware of what years of an ED has done in terms of conditioning me to binge-- but knowing that I'm predisposed to binge on a night like tonight, just weather-wise, I already have won half the battle.  Now I can protect myself against ED brainwashing that may occur later.  What I did upon recognizing the situation was plan out the rest of the night.  I'm going to crochet a blanket that I'm working on for a close friend of mine, I'm going to stay in the same room where my brother is, and I will very likely be writing more tonight.  I'm glad I'm at a point where I'm not content to just throw my hands up in despair and yield to this fucking ED.  Fuck you, binge-eating, and fuck you too, anorexia.  I'm not a vessel for this shit anymore, at least not without a fight.

The Question of the Hour

Here it is: the clean slate of a new month.  It is officially August, and THE question is...can I get through the month without bingeing?  The answer is yes.  So maybe what the question really should be is will I get through the month without bingeing?  I will answer that at the end of the month, because there's no real point in putting an emphasis on whether or not I will stray from my meal plan on one or several given day/s this month.

Now normally I would place emphasis on counting days-- how long since I have binged, how many days of not eating, etc.  But what I am currently trying to do for myself that is very different from anything I'm accustomed to is to view food solely as nourishment required by my body.  It's just glucose for aerobic respiration.  Nothing more, but also very importantly, nothing less.  Food is essential, meaning no more cop out days where I get frazzled and don't eat.  However, I want to break the very bad habit of harshly battering myself emotionally whenever I do have a slip-up day.  Slip-ups are part of recovery from an eating disorder-- my nutritionist actually gave me a graph plotting what is known as 'the recovery model,' showing just this.  If I do encounter a slip up this month, I will have to work hard to mold my normal harsh response into something more suitable for a human being; I absolutely have to stop treating myself like shit.

I'm proud that I got through most of July binge-free.  It makes my ruined birthday seem like not a total and utter waste but rather a jump-off point into better days.  But that would be me compartmentalizing time by eating habits again (slap on the wrist ;).  Anyway, I'm happy and relatively excited for the new month vibe, which comes with the first of any month regardless of whether or not you are me trying to break a bad habit of day-counting.  Each new month brings a positive energy, a unique seasonal flair (on weather and fashion fronts), and anticipation of special events during that month.  Unfortunately, since I'm obviously feeling quite crappy still (too bad a new month can't magically sweep that garbage out of my life), I'm not as excited as I definitely should or could be.

But I do have hope.  The feeing that I will be able to manage my eating disorders is one that I didn't have at all just a short time ago.  It was like living in limbo, or an abyss that is especially dark.  Now, I do think that my spirits have been lifted and strengthened, likely a result of proving to myself that I can eat everyday without bingeing.  I've never gone this long without either restricting intake or bingeing.  Anytime I went this long without bingeing I wasn't eating much of anything, or I wasn't eating anything at all.  So this is a landmark for me.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never gone more that 1.5 days without restricting/bingeing, at least not since I was 14yrs old.  So this is actually a monumental achievement for me.  I'm thankful to be making progress. 

Regardless of what happens this month, it is starting on a (relatively speaking) high note, and I plan to end it on one as well.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

- William Shakespeare

Devil's Food Cake

Today is one of those days.  About an hour ago, out of the blue, I felt a slight urge to go eat something.  I started to reason whether or not it would be safe for me to eat part of what I'm scheduled to eat for lunch right now...because what could be so bad about that, right?  WRONG.  I quickly recognized that this is a code red situation, I can't be so stupid as to think that I'll be fine if I eat anything.  Even just a little bit.  Even if I were to eat a leaf of lettuce right now, it would send me into a binge.  So I've been sitting in my room watching old episodes of That 70's Show (great show, but still a waste of the day).  I want to be able to use this site as a way to curb myself from doing stupid things with food, so I figured I'd come write in somewhat of a stream of consciousness and see if any information as to why I'm having a proceed-with-caution-you-might-binge-any-minute-now kind of day reveals itself.

Last night I made a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting for a colleague of my mother; for her birthday.  I like to bake things, but obviously I don't eat them (not by choice) and no one in my family really gets into it (contributes to my feeling like a superfat freak when I have bouts of bingeing).  So I jumped at the opportunity to make the cake, and it was fun.  Being around the batter and getting some of it and the frosting on my hands (inevitable while baking/pouring) made my nervous.  Not because I thought I was going to eat it, but I just didn't really want it on me or near me-- I felt like it was invading my space.  Maybe being up close and personal with sugary/oily stuff like that makes me uncomfortable because I never go near it by choice, I only get in with stuff like that when I'm on an uncontrollable binge, when I get in really deep with stuff like that.  Maybe that's part of the problem-- obviously the hundreds or thousands of torturous binges I've experienced have left me with many negative associations when it comes to food that I consider to be 'fat girl food.'  I wonder if the fact that I recognize this could help me to get over it instead of having to feel extra wary around those kinds of foods.

So today I'm feeling uncomfortable about the idea of food in general, which is interesting considering the cake-bake event of last night.  It appears that my fears about food have escalated to a point where I feel ready to throw the towel in (on the verge of a binge when it seems nothing has happened to provoke it) yet I have not deviated from my meal plan.  I've done nothing, just baked a cake.  That doesn't mean I ate it, and for some reason I feel nervous as though I'd done just that.  Very strange.

Of course, I'm feeling extra fat today, but that's nothing new.  My body image is always either bad, worse, or unbearable.  Not that I'm content to live like this, but I do think it's helpful for me to recognize that the way I see myself will not change overnight, and it certainly won't even have a chance of changing if I don't give myself the chance to eat in a more normal pattern (ie not skipping meals or days, not bingeing).

I'm already feeling less nervous about bingeing, after having written this.  I've remarkably lost that urgent feeling that is the very well known and dreaded prelude to a binge.  It's the feeling of urgency that those of us who intimately know binge-eating disorders are all too familiar with.  It always is accompanied by an immediate feeling of defeat for me-- as soon as I feel the urgency, even in the smallest way, I kind of throw my hands up and just prepare to feel lower than shit.  It kills me inside because I know that something is about to happen: I'm going to binge.  I'm going to destroy my own body that I've been working so hard to get into shape.  I'm going to destroy my self-esteem, whatever is left of it.  I'm going to destroy my day and my plans for the future.  I'm going to destroy my tomorrow.  And personally, as soon as I know a binge is coming, I think that I also kind of gear up for a marathon of binges, because I know that once I start it begins a cycle.  Same damn thing every time.

Well, not today.  Bingeing clearly is a coping mechanism that I have developed as a direct result of being self-critical: it is an embodiment of self-criticism.  There is obviously an intricate foundation as to why my self-hate manifests itself in this way, but it is the cruelest way to inflict pain on oneself; bingeing is the alpha 'I hate myself.'  Not today.  I need to stop creating situations where I can batter myself and then wallow in sorrow.  I do not need to sit here and eat trays, boxes, and bags of food.  Not today, the devil's food does not tempt me.

Doughgirl

First and foremost, THANK YOU for the lovely and very supportive comments!!  It means everything to me to be able to relate with others who have struggled or are struggling in the ways that I have and am currently.  So much love and warmest wishes to my beautiful readers!

As much as it has lifted my spirits to see an audience of people who can relate to this site (no bullshit, it really does brighten the tone of the day), I must admit that I have not been feeling very well at all for the past few days.  I'm not quite sure why, but it probably has to do with the fact that I'm eating everyday without bingeing or starving.  This past Tuesday my nutritionist again told me that I have lost weight, which is what should be happening on the meal plan I'm following.  An overview of the issues I'm having with the food/weight battle is as follows:

• I don't know what my weight is and I can't handle knowing.  So basically I have no way of relieving the intense anxiety I feel over how much I weigh and how much weight I need to lose etc., which is aggravating to no end.
• I don't know how much weight  I am losing each week because again, I can't be trusted to handle that kind of information, so my nutritionist doesn't tell me.  This leads my mind to wandering, and of course I end up concluding that just because she tells me I'm losing weight, that could mean that maybe I only lost like 0.2 lbs.  Which sounds like some bullshit to me.  I really hate not knowing.
• In my eyes, my body is getting more disgusting and certainly fatter.  I don't even know how it's possible that my vision can contradict numerically factual evidence.  But if anyone could achieve such a ridiculous feat, it most surely would be me.
• Everyday I am noticing more and more that I spend a good portion of time devoted to hatching plans of not eating.  I need to put the brakes on that before it gets out of control.
• I find it problematic that I'm not proud of the fact that I have stayed away from binges for 16 days now.

I spoke with my therapist today about this last point, and she explained a lot to me about how being a trauma victim (extensive verbal and emotional abuse as a child) has contributed to my behaviors.  Anytime anything happens, good or bad or whatever it is, I always criticize myself and never see positive in what I do.  It's my way of beating everyone else to the punch line, so to speak.  And I'm very good at it.  Unfortunately.

I don't know...all this nonsense seems like more than I bargained for.  I never actually expected that I would have to confront the way I look at myself.  I just assumed that I would lose weight and everything would get better.  A little naive for someone who once described themselves as grotesque-looking and chubby at 88lbs.  I just don't know if I'm ready to have to force myself out of habits that truly dominate my lifestyle.  I can't imagine wearing fitted clothes.  No no.  Not for me.  For right now, I think I'll have to just focus on eating what my nutritionist has outlined for me.  It is such crap that I have to walk around feeling like shit while waiting for weight to come off, but this is my reality.  There is no weight that I like, which I have determined from experience, but I honestly believe that this time around I'l be less uncomfortable when I get to a lower weight.  Wow, I can't even bullshit myself anymore, yet I trust that I (and only I) am right.