Frustration

You know what is worse than relapsing into ED habits?  Not relapsing, yet being more and more unhappy with each coming day.  Why is this happening?  Today is now the 3-week marker of following my nutritionist's plan, except for one day during which I did not eat.  I should be happier.  But I'm not, and I am feeling worse and worse about my body.

I hate that I can't pick myself up out of all this negativity, and I don't want to start having a defeatist attitude.  But it is hard, especially when you are doing what you're supposed to be doing, and not getting results.  I feel that I am pulling my share in doing my part in recovery, yet I am not seeing the changes in my thought patterns that I thought would be the fruits of my labor in fighting against my eating disorders.  Is it too soon?  Probably.  But that doesn't change the fact that I am uncomfortable right now and feel that my hands are tied.

So it appears I am at yet another precipice-- if I turn back to anorexia or bingeing to soothe my building anxiety and frustrations, I will be throwing away everything I've been working toward.  I will achieve a false sense of being in control.  But, if I stay on course and muster strength from within, I will be going on good faith that my nutritionist is not lying to me.  I will be uncomfortable, and maybe feel worse than I do now in the next few weeks, but I will have the one hope that this is part of the recovery process, and that I have to stick through this storm to eventually triumph over my EDs.  The only reason that me and my disordered self actually believes that staying on plan will eventually work to my advantage is that I can't help but to think that if recovery wasn't extremely challenging, more people would have an easier time recovering.

I don't want to be a statistic, I have to stop being easily thrown off-balance by pro-ana musings that are sprinkled everywhere in daily life, both from within myself and from the external world.  I'm going to try what I haven't tried before and stay loyal to the plan that has been made for me by certified eating disorder specialists.  After all, I don't develop new ways to drive my car every morning, nor do I develop new symbols for the alphabet to represent my own version of the English language.  I have to have enough trust, even though I don't believe it right now, in the fact that I am not an exception to other people-- I don't get fat by looking at food or having a bite of something.  I can eat like a normal person even though I don't think I can.  I have to believe that people certified to deal with ED recovery have made a better plan for me than I can for myself.  I have to stop believing that I know what is best for me when it comes to food, because I don't.