Not How I'd Imagined It Would Be

But maybe this birthday is exactly how it should be.

I had an enlightening 3hr conversation with my bestie (boy troubles) in which she told me that she was impressed at how much I sounded like I have my shit together.  Yeah...right, that's me to a T.  But it was so positive for me to be able to help someone work through their issues, without any mention of mine.  I don't know if this is because during the conversation I got a break from myself or just that I felt in control since I was able to lift her spirits.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless, I was grateful for the opportunity.  Best part is she was so caught up in her own drama that there was no mention of my birthday whatsoever.  It made it easier for me to accept the day, at least from the hours of 11pm to 2am.

I was also very fortunate to get a beautiful comment from a fellow ED sufferer on another site, telling me to try to enjoy my birthday because it's likely that I have a distorted view of myself, just like her.  I doubt she'll ever know, but that was absolutely the best present I've ever received.  I wish her all the best and will keep her kind words with me throughout the day and likely into the future.

And now I sit here alone in my room, it's 4am and I'm being tortured with insomnia.  I have to get up around 8am, so this is really not what I wanted.  I'm so anxious and afraid for when it comes time to get dressed this morning.  I'm already feeling maximally critical of my body.  I hate this inner torment and I wish it would end.