So I did some work and then went to take a shower (a trial in itself) only to be greeted after by a wardrobe of clothes that I feel unable to wear. Getting dressed is so painful to me, and it always is, but I'm so accustomed to it being so incredibly difficult that I never really realized just how strange it is until I thought about putting into words. I can't quite describe how it feels, but it involves dread along the magnitude of how it would probably feel for a normal person to anticipate going through a day in the nude, shame as if I'm an ink stain on the beautiful canvas that is everyone else's day, and hatred toward myself in the way that you would hate someone who slept with your boyfriend. Dread, shame, and hatred...hmm, what an awful way to start a day it's a wonder I haven't just retreated back to bed. I know it sounds pitiful and possibly selfish, which makes me feel even worse about myself, because I can't control it.
I don't think there's a way to suddenly not feel all those awful things when it comes to getting dressed, mainly because I don't see anything tangible there to actually target. I think this is part of the complexity of EDs, they're sneaky and don't have a jugular, so to speak. While this is a less than preferable fact, I have to take responsibility and deal with it, because nothing about the nature of the disorder is going to change, as much as I want to sit on my ass and wish that it would, or entertain futile thoughts that it will just disappear in time. My plan of attack, therefore, is to achieve small feats that, over time, will amalgamate into triumph in its complete form. I'm not the type to set explicit goals, because I'm much too self-critical to gauge my own progress accurately. My therapists have their own guidelines of goals for me, and they chart my progress, so I feel like that's taken care of. What would be nice for me is if I can begin to see changes in my attitude and the way that I feel about myself, even if only for finite periods of time.
As of right now, I'm feeling too self-aware to set any high standards for what I would like to accomplish today, so I think I will simply work on actively pushing thoughts of preoccupations about my body out of my mind whenever they arise (kind of like right now as I write about dismissing these types of thoughts, two are present and racing along in my mind). By forcing myself to become aware, in terms of knowing the extent to which I am preoccupied with my body, I can at least maintain motivation to put effort into recovery. Effort meaning continuing to seek treatment and implementing advice from my therapist into everyday life, even though it often exceeds my comfort zone, and doing my best to maintain the nutrition plan that my nutritionist designed specifically for me. The self-pity has to end. If I'm having a hard time, I should get it off my chest (which I'll probably do here in upcoming days/weeks) but then move on, instead of stagnating. I have to actively engage in my own recovery, which includes fighting constant feelings of 'don't eat, you're fat and disgusting why would you eat?'
Hopefully today will be somewhat constructive. Regardless, I'm sure I'll have at least one positive thing to report by the end of the day, and possibly an insight or two. I'll leave off with one of my favorite lyrics from Jay-Z, suitable for my general feelings on effective ED recovery:
"I can't say I've never knelt before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail, but I never sat back feeling sorry for myself."
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