My Choice

Yesterday I didn't eat.  I had been following my nutritionist's plan for 7 consecutive days, and on the 8th day I didn't eat.  Normally that wouldn't phase me at all, as I've often gone without food for at 3-5 days at a time, then eaten part of one low-cal, non-fat, high-protein thing before going back to fasting.  I didn't even use to recognize it as fasting, it was just normal and necessary to me.  Yesterday registers differently in my mind.  I feel weak and sick, which I'm attributing to anything except for the fact that I didn't eat, which deviated from an already restrictive (as said by my nutritionist, not me) plan.

Maybe this is a good thing-- maybe it shows that I'm finally starting to comprehend  that people eat everyday.  That living with an eating disorder is actually very uncomfortable.  Maybe instead of continuing to not eat today and beginning what I know will become a marathon of starvation, I should force myself to get right back on track with what my nutritionist outlined for me.  Just because I think I'm fat and it seems preferable to me not to eat rather than to binge eat doesn't mean that it isn't just as harmful not to eat as it is to overeat.  I shouldn't want any part in either, so I don't know why it is that I feel best about not eating as opposed to regular eating or overeating, when regular eating is the only one that's really a suitable option.

Today I will not be able to solve the mysteries of why it is that I feel the way that I feel, but I do know this:  I have to force myself to eat.  Otherwise, I'll be condemning myself to perpetuate a vicious cycle that I am intimately familiar with.  I'm suffering anyway, and I'm not happy, so why shouldn't I just listen to what my nutritionist said instead of making my own way?  Is there really any difference in how I'm going to feel either way?  I have to trust that, logically, I have gone down the road of starvation and seen what lies ahead-- depression, emptiness, never meeting expectations, hair loss, exhaustion, insomnia, loss of the sparkle in your eyes, circulation problems, and being freezing cold all the time.  The road I have yet to travel is that of healthy eating- not bingeing, which I have done in abundance- but eating 'normally.'  This has always averted me, been out of my reach and seemed like an unattainable goal.  Why not strive for it now, when I see myself at a dangerous crossroads?  The point is that I am not yet completely off the deep end, I can still make a decision.  

I realize I will think I'm fat no matter what.  So why not give myself the chance to prove myself wrong, to prove that I've been living in a consistent state of denial and falsities-- deep down I want for my nutritionist to be correct.  Being able to eat at least something every day should be easier, it shouldn't make me gain weight, and it shouldn't make me feel repulsive or over-indulgent.

From experience I know that practicing something you're not inherently good at makes you, in time, better at whatever it is you are practicing.  I know I'm not good at eating appropriately.  Combining these facts results in the conclusion that I should practice good eating habits, and when you are practicing something, it's not always perfect until you advance and become more skilled and capable at the task in question.  Eating disorder aside, I suggest I apply this.