In Slightly Low Spirits

It's been a somewhat challenging day, but not the worst I've ever seen by far.  I think that writing on this site may be temporarily causing me to be even more aware of my issues, which pretty much would mean that I'm now totally occupied with them.  This is not necessarily a bad thing-- discomfort motivates change.  I know that I'm not happy where I am, but I also know that I'm more comfortable with eating disordered patterns than I am with other lifestyles for the time being, which is why I need a special diet prescribed by my nutritionist.  However, nothing is going to change if I don't stir the water, I will simply stagnate in my current state, which is right across the hall from miserable.

I did go to the spa earlier, dressed in over-sized clothes, a baseball hat and armed with a Vogue to bury my face in.  It wasn't that anxiety-inducing until I sat to dry my nails, which is when I noticed my thighs.  There wouldn't be much point in writing a description of how I feel about them, because I've been informed by all the medical professionals who have/are treated/ing me that my view concerning my physical appearance is, to put it plainly, completely fucked up.  That being said, I was happy to get back to my car, return home and change into sweatpants.  On the bright side, my nails look fab-- Chanel Rodeo Drive truly is all it's cracked up to be (I LOVE IT).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  I only ate less than half of what I was supposed to today, so I'm going to have to be stricter tomorrow or I'm afraid I might start going off on what I like to refer to as a crazy train tangent and stop eating entirely.  To help myself, I'm going to relax for the rest of the night and just watch a movie.  Hopefully I will be able to fall asleep relatively soon, but if not I'll probably be back here sooner than anticipated.  Tomorrow I would like to start writing some thoughts on what has been useful to me in achieving a state of partial recovery and some speculations on the mystery that is BDD.  It would be helpful to myself and I do hope that people who struggle with similar/the same issues are starting to find this site, so I would love to provide them (all of you reading ;) with some form of relief/comfort in knowing that they're not alone.  You're not.

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each 

other?"

- George Eliot, Middlemarch